The Alter Ego is Back

I went to the Claude and Annie’s in Fishers last night. Kolo remembered to invite me. When I got there, he asked me how I liked it over at the west side Claude and Annie’s. I told him I loved it and that it was awesome. He just laughed. When I got there, the only people that were there was him, Jim, Roger, and Roger’s friend, Mike. Not Mike Myers, who has been really cheeky on my FB as of late. Tsk tsk. Anyhow, I go to the back to practice for a bit then come back out to sit with the guys and watch the Celtics game before Open Mic starts. Ben shows up and he has a new friend in tow. God, I cannot for the life of me remember the dude’s name (Kyle maybe?), but he’s wearing a Metallica shirt and apparently is a pretty good guitarist. The dude says he’s going to play next week. Dammit! I sort of promised Darren (who btw played bass for Blind Melon back when they did their world tour) I’d go to the other C&A’s next week. Speaking of Darren, he’s been blowing up my FB chat and he friended Jamie and has been chatting with him. He even went to the store to meet Jamie (and this guy works at Guitar Center). Does he want a job at Sam Ash? Last night, there was a new woman there… she must’ve been in her 50s. She brought a dulcimer. She didn’t play until late in the night, but she was incredible. So talented. She was chatting me up and asking me about Sam Ash, Jon Martin, and the ukulele world congress thing. I told her I’m not really into groups or formal things like that. Anyhow, so Ben just got back from vacation so he was in a great mood. He’s telling his friend about me (right in front of me). He says stuff like, “She always gets nervous but she always does great.” “She does this awesome version of Audioslave’s like a stone.” Then he tells me he wants to hear me cover Evanescence’s “Lithium.” “I think it would be really pretty.” The whole time I’m thinking, “Who are you and what did you do with Ben?” He must’ve gotten laid in Florida. Alex shows up and sits next to Ben. I have a weird spaz moment where I wave at her and my phone goes flying. Gah. I’m so awkward. At some point in the night, Darrin finally shows up with a friend or two in tow. It’s his birthday. I bought him a card and “covertly” (his word) bought him a beer. It’s weird. I never get to talk to him at Claude and Annie’s. Mostly we FB chat. But I feel like he and I are friends and probably will be for a long time. He can be a pretty grumpy guy… but also very witty and decent. He’s the person whose feedback I most desire. He’s pretty entrenched in the local scene and I gauge my performance based on his reaction to the things I do. Anyhow, I am the third act up. (I played early to make sure no one left before my set). For some reason, I am super nervous. My memory was not good. With the whole home situation, I haven’t gotten a lot of practice in… and I just sort of muddled through my set. I mean, I sounded awesome, but I kept making too many mistakes. Also, I think the electronic componenents in my ukulele are broken. :( Kaite shows up right before Ben’s set (she has an uncanny ability of doing that). She brought along her friend, Alanna?. I go to sit with the girls to watch Ben’s set. Unfortunately, I’m splitting my attention between his set, talking to Alex about our mutual love of zombie movies and slasher films, and the end of the Celtics game (have I mentioned how sad it makes me that they lost AGAIN?). Anyhow, it was a late night. I didn’t get home until around 12:30… everyone, even the people who normally leave early, just stayed to hang out. The vibe was just… right…

Apartment hunting

Sitting in the lobby of a very swank apartment complex in Fishers. Rihanna’s Cake is playing in the background. A sign?

(…continued) Ugh. It cut off. I hate sending posts via email. Anyhow, so Mike eventually gets here. He networks a bit and sits down with me. After a few minutes, he has to go up and play. The people love his act. The cool thing about this place is it is set up for people to pay attention to your set. At one point, when Mike was doing gin and juice, a saxophone player started jamming with him. It was awesome! Then some other guy went up and did some originals. Next, it was my turn. I did NIN, Electric Guest, Adele (by request), A Fine Frenzy, and Beyonce. The crowd loved it. After my set, the hosts came up one by one to tell me how much they enjoyed my set and asked that I come back. Some metal band played after me… Then it was an Open jam where the hosts and the saxophone player went crazy on the stage. God, they are such amazing musicians. I told Mike if they had started the show with this, I would’ve been like, “Fuck this!” and walked out. Did I mention that Darren is the assistant manager at Guitar Center? I found out when he asked if I bought my ukulele there. I was like, “Fuck no…” and explained that Jamie is the GM of Sam Ash. I really like Darren. He is a bad ass bass player. At one point, Darren played the “stick” that he showed us earlier (it’s this rectangle of graphite that is both a guitar and a bass. Apparently only 2,000 were made and he owns this one). It was awesome! Anyway, throughout the night, they were giving out raffle tickets. Guess what? I won something. I won two VIP tickets to see Foreigner this Saturday. Alas, I do not think I can go. I gave one of the tickets to Mike because I knew Jamie had other plans… I tried to give the other ticket away to one of my cute little chick friends, but they all have plans… I might end up having to go because I don’t want to saddle Mike with a stranger… but it would be weird. Maybe. Nah. Mike is cool. We’ll see. Anyhow, it was an amazing night. On FB, Kolo called me a traitor. I told him that he shouldn’t forget to invite me if he wants me to come to his Open Mic. Maybe he legitly forgot… I dunno. I’m kind of glad he did. I really liked it at the other Claude and Annie’s. Also, my hypothesis that my stage fright is gone

Last night I went to the Claude and Annie’s on Pike Plaza Dr (because Kolo neglected to invite me to his Open Mic like he usually does. Anyhow, I’m glad I did! It was incredible. It’s kind of in a ghetto area, but the set-up of the play area is awesome. I posted on FB that I was going to go to another Open Mic and Mike P. (the trainer) said he would meet me at the other Claude and Annie’s if I was going to go. Anyhow, I get there and the minute I get in, everyone and their mother is clamoring to meet me. The folks over there are so nice. Anyhow, the place has four hosts (Johnny-guitar, Tim-guitar, Darren-guitar, and Scott-drums). When I come in, I sit at a booth and Scott and his friend (Aaron or Eric) decide to join me. They ask to see my ukulele and we talk about music… Yada yada. At one point, Johnny comes up to me and looks down at the table and sees my ukulele and says, “Oh man! Now I know who you are! You’re the ukulele girl that plays down in Fishers! I can’t wait to hear you play!”

So Kolo didn’t invite me to Open Mic tonight like he usually does. I was waiting this morning for an invitation, but it never came… so I looked on his fb page and he did create the event… he just excluded me from the list. I did think he sounded annoyed the last time I talked to him. Jamie says maybe it’s an oversight, but I really doubt it. I’m one of the only people who comes consistently week after week. Right now, I feel like… Fuck all of them then… First, mass exodus before my set last week and now this… I’m done. I will go to the other Claude and Annie’s or Barley Island or the Dog House in Brownsburg. It is going to be a long while before I ever show up there again. WTF?

I have a problem. I can’t talk about things that make me angry. I can’t address my issues with people who make me angry. I don’t like to cry. I don’t like to scream. I hate scenes. I will do anything to avoid all of the trappings that come with feeling negative emotions so I suppress all this rage and I turn it inward. I use silence to mask it. And it goes away or it seems to pass… but it never really does though. For all the people around me, there is something like an account. In this account, I keep track of all the wrongs they’ve committed. And over time, my anger towards them accumulates slowly until there is so much anger inside of me that I am overcome with hatred for them. At that point, I can see no redeeming qualities in them. I’ve been too hurt and I can’t continue to hold onto them and the rage I feel towards them. Then I cut them out of my life. That has been my dominant pattern of relating to people my whole life. Is it wrong? Yes. Is it unhealthy? Yes. Do I need therapy? Probably. I recognize this… But that doesn’t mean I can intellectualize it… that I can stop doing something ingrained in me, you know? I am a messed up person.

I need to start checking out apartments. I am researching them online, but it’s filling me with so many weird emotions. I am feeling so much anxiety. Am I making a bad decision here? Am I being selfish? I know that my gut instinct about my situation is right. I know this has to happen. But if it’s over between Jamie and I, my life is going to get really hard… just when things were getting easy. Everyone keeps asking me if I’m OK. I don’t know what to say to that. I don’t really feel much of anything. I’m just on autopilot really. I feel numb. Distant. I’m just functioning… I know that, once I’m alone, I will let myself feel. I just can’t feel now. Not even in the face of Jamie’s tears… I am so cut off. He says he knows this is the end. He’s been saying a lot of things like that lately. My logical side says he is trying his best to tug at my heart strings… use my compassion to gain control over me… the thing is… when I decide something is a threat to me, there is no way it can hurt me again because my guard will always be up. Hell, my guard has been up against him this whole time (ever since the first time he hurt me)… just not in this one aspect… I thought I had to guard against external threats. I didn’t realize the biggest threat was inside. The question is: Am I strong enough to overcome Jamie… to get my needs met in this relationship? Is there hope that this change can happen? I don’t really feel like Jamie can change… so the change has to come from me. Will independence help me find my self-assurance or am I going to have to cut my losses and move onto something/someone else? In the next six months, I hope to be able to determine if I am willing and able to make this work.

Thank you, Jesus.

kaseygirl:

After a hiatus, I am back.